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A hard day is over…

26 December 2011

I didn’t bother posting yesterday as I didn’t want to put a cloud over everyone’s enjoyment of Christmas Day.

Jehovah’s Witnesses. What is their problem? Saturday morning, Christmas Eve, ding-dong on the door and there they are with their smug smiles trying to foist a copy of their magazine onto the unsuspecting. There was lots of raised voices (well, just mine really) and lots of finger-pointing (again just mine). As they believe they’re the only ones to get a free pass into Heaven they were most uncomfortable when I asked, in front of Nathaniel “Exactly where is his mother right now?”. I think they knew a wrong answer would result in a trip to A&E. I didn’t bother telling them that Cat was Taoist and for her heaven didn’t exist. Managed to make the lady cry with the line “To leave a child motherless means your God is a vindictive and evil bastard – Looking at those facts I would say that he really is The Devil and, by extension, you are actually Devil worshippers and should be burnt at the stake. If you hold on for a moment I’m sure I have some wood and petrol in the garage”.

Anyway, on to Christmas. The day itself went well. We opened presents and Nathaniel was over the moon with what he got. Christmas lunch went well too – nothing got burnt and it tasted really good. Nathaniel said it was 100% as good as Mummy’s cooking but I think he was just being nice. He was so good all day – no arguments, no tears, no shouting. Can’t ask for more really.

I didn’t realise how much I relied on contact with other people. Yes, the day was good but I missed talking with other people. I know they were all there for me on the end of the telephone and I was told in no uncertain terms to call if I was feeling down but who wants to intrude on other people’s family days? And it’s not like you’re ringing up to say Merry Christmas. There is a lot to be said for going away for Christmas.

Today, Boxing Day, is the toughest day of the holiday – It is 3 months to the day since Cat left which whilst it’s not a yearly anniversary as such is enough to take the shine off the whole Christmas thing for me. We are going up to see her later this morning with a basket full of spring bulbs to plant around the grave. Nathaniel wants to make it look pretty for Mummy all year round. Cat prepared him so well – my advice to anyone else in a similar position is to involve the children from the start. He knew everything that was going on for the past three years and so when it came there was no big shock, no tears, no catatonic child withdrawn into his own world – just a sense of being resigned to one’s own fate and to keep going on as best he could as that’s what Mummy wanted.

When we’re at Olney I’m sure he’ll have a chat with Cat but I know there will be no tears or anger. I’m very good at covering my emotions so I’ll be ok in front of him too – For me it is anger pure and simple so I can save that rage up for later on the Wii. I still want someone to shout at, to blame – but that’s not very Christmassy is it?


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